Distance, Fondness and All That...

so i'm not home, as i mentioned in an earlier post 

right now im in montreal

but i got a phone call from hockey boy, he was wondering if I could help him with his french homework... true, his french is not so great. but his mom is a native french (canadian) speaker, her french is great (i know! we've spoken lol)

i thought it was cute and of course he had already finished his french homework with her help

i guess i still haven't talked about how that date went

the dinner and restaurant were great just like my friend said it would be, but i didn't get the feeling of "omg i really like this guy!!!" 

you know, that really girly feeling. we didn't kiss either

i guess i didn't really care which direction our relationship went

we went out to lunch since then and hang out a lot chez lui. i think everyday i keep liking him more and more

he is a really quiet guy and i guess at first that bothered me because i thought he was boring or shy (and i really like to talk..too much honestly). but really its just that he doesn't feel the need to speak all the time. the silence isn't awkward anymore, it's just kind of a moment that we can enjoy together, enjoy each others presence i guess you could say

the only time i see him yell, or talk a lot is when he's playing hockey. completely different person out there. his mom told me she forced him to play when he was little so he would come out of his shell a little since he was so quiet 

first kiss

so our first kiss 

*raises eyebrows in scandalous manner* 

it was the day we went out to our lunch date (oh gosh, i'm soo soo tired right now. i better hurry up and type this) 

we'll we've had lunch together a lot since then but, that was an actual date, i guess

he was saying something but i couldn't hear (since he's so damn quiet!) so i leaned in really close to him and he stopped talking, took my chin with two of his fingers and tiled my face up towards him and gave me a five second peck

it was the best five second peck ever! that time i actually did get that really girly/giddy feeling

i couldn't help it and grinned really widely. kind of embarrassing, i thought

today on the phone he told me he was glad i smiled because he was sure i didn't like him. i guess i was sure i didn't like him either, what a difference a little peck can make

Quick Montreal Trip

we are taking a quick trip to montreal à cause de my mothers uncle recently passing away, i never met him sadly.

it's unfortunate circumstances but i welcome any opportunity to go to montreal. so after school tomorrow the three of us are catching a longggg flight to Montreal. we are staying until next Friday which leaves me enough time to catch up with some of my montreal friends atleast

Being Biracial Part. 1

i guess i have contemplated making this post for a while, it's always been a hard subject for me to talk about.

when i was little i had no idea there was anything different about me, i mean i knew my parents looked different from each other. but everyone else's did too, right?
i guess my situation was different from a lot of others. i was completely clueless. my parents never mentioned it, or talked about it, or anything. as far as i can remember people never asked me about it until i was much older either. i can definitely remember the moment when it sort of dawned on me and i realized, your different..your 'biracial'.
i said it in my mind over and over again for a long time.

i was maybe seven or eight years old and i was in class at school (in anchorage). a tiny blond woman, with a very pointy nose and wide blue eyes, knocked on the door, she looked no older than thirty. "hi, we've just transfered, you should've gotten an email about my son Cody." She looked really nervous. Behind her, holding her hand in comes a tiny boy. Darker than me with black (what i like to call) "greek curls".
i will never forget it, my teacher glanced at them and said "your son..." eyes wide.
how could she miss the resemblance, aside from the obvious color differentiation, he was the spitting image of his mother. he had the same very pointy nose, the same cheeks, the same wide eyes just in a dark brown color, and he had the same mouth, thin and pursed.
i looked at him and his mother and thought of my family, my family was like that except my father was the white one. my family wasn't normal
that little boy and i would become really close friends, the only person other than my brothers who i could really relate to for a long time
that was the day it dawned on me that i was different

it was the first time i cried over being biracial
i went home to my shocked father and sobbed into his shoulder, until my mother came home from work. i kept repeating "how come no one told me!?" and "why am i different, why me!?"
my mothers only reply was angrily "what? you are upset because your father and i love each other!? it is not a big deal!?"
as much as that didn't help me then, i realize now its completely true.
it's not a big deal.. it shouldn't be a big deal. but it is a big deal

Feeling Life's a Failure

Recently I have been feeling like a failure.
My date with hockey boy kind of failed. (key word kind of) Needless to say, french class has gotten prettyyyyy awkward.
I'm failing math, which is bad because otherwise I am not allowed to play lacrosse.
(I am doing really well in my history, french, german and english classes)
My parents are pretty pissed at me and i'll no longer be their perfect youngest child since we are officially adopting chandler... (more on that later)
I don't really seem to relate to most of my friends anymore as their life's now consist of idle things
Life just kinda seems pointless
My brothers are gone too :( i miss todd, he was my real best friend


fortunately Linden was here to remind me of some positive things in my life

1. I'm alive and so is everyone in my family
2. I'm finished with all of my science credits. this is due to the fact that I am strangely skilled at physics and before I went to france i took tons of extra physics classes and went to summer camps and the like (yes! i first took physics my freshman year, and i am not ashamed!)
3. ....still working on this one

life temporarily sucks :(